Exercises

I need, I need, I need…

What happens when you try to use NVC? You do feel the same as our characters, Mia and Mark? I sure did. NVC felt very mechanical and expressing and asking about needs didn’t feel right. However, the more I practiced NVC, the better I’ve become at expressing needs, without using the word NEED.

Here are 2 tips:

1. Give yourself some time. You’d probably not expect yourself to be fluent in Spanish after a week or two of practice.
2. Try to feel the situation. What words is the other person using? The more we adjust our language, the easier it is for the other person to understand. It’s more important that you’re aware of feelings and needs, than which words you’re using.

Here is a list of alternative ways you can express needs:

• I’m sad, because I want the freedom to travel wherever I want, and this f*cking Covid-virus makes that impossible.
• I feel excited, because I wish for a snowy winter, and my family just moved to the northernmost of Sweden. (snow guaranteed)
• I feel hopeful, because I believe QuitGamble.com can help thousands of people regain control of their lives.
• I feel free, because I like autonomy and next week I move from my parents to a new city for my studies.
• I feel inspired when Greta Thunberg speaks, because I care about the future of this planet too.
• When I experience the corruption firsthand in Malta, I realize how much I value the honesty and integrity I grow up with back in Sweden.
• I feel uncomfortable when I come unprepared for a meeting, because I prefer to be well-prepared at all times.
• I’ve realized that the main reason I get angry is that I long for an understanding of what is important to me.
• I can easily get frustrated when someone is late to a meeting, because respect is important to me.
• I feel happy, because I found an interesting YouTube channel about space, and I enjoy learning new things.

I know snow winter might not be a universal need (who doesn’t like snow?), but the important thing in the samples above is to express a need after saying “I want, I value, is important to me…” When we do that, we don’t need to say I need…

Exercise 1

Let’s see if we can make the following sentences feel more natural.

• I feel sad, because my need for respect is not met.
• I feel comfortable, because my needs for calm and relaxation are met.
• I’m angry, because I need freedom, and my boss just installed a monitoring program on my computer.

Exercise 2

Instead of asking do you feel x because you need y… Rewrite the following sentence in a more “natural way”.

• Do you feel restless, because your need for sleep was not met yesterday?
• Do you feel disappointed, because your need for socializing is not met tonight?
• Do you feel gratitude, because your need for support was met when that guy help you carrying the heavy bags?

Exercise 3

Let’s practice some needs again. Perhaps you can describe the needs of Rose and Jack in other terms this time?