Exercises

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME ANGRY! Is it a scary or liberating thought? The concept, that we own our feelings is perhaps the most difficult to accept in nonviolent communication. However, when you do, you’ll feel empowered.

• No more, can anyone push their feelings over on you
• No more, you are responsible for how someone else feels.
• And, no more, you need to take criticism personally.

Instead, NVC helps you become aware, and understand what happens around you and it helps you communicate clearly. When you take responsibility for your feelings, the person you talk to is less likely to hear criticism in what you say.

Exercise 1:

In which of the following sentences do you feel the person takes responsibility for his/her feelings?

Example:

“It makes me feel lonely when you work all the time.”

Here the person blames their feeling of loneliness on the other person.

“When you work all the time, I feel lonely since it’s important to me to spend time together.”

In this case, the person says the same thing, but the loneliness is connected to the need of spending time together rather than what the person is doing.

• When people drive too fast, I get furious!
• The policeman made me nervous!
• You make me happy!
• I feel disappointed because Linda was late for our date.
• I feel hopeless because I really wanted to go home on time today, but the workload doesn’t permit it.

Before we continue, let’s check out a video with Phoebe and Ross… Do you think Phoebe takes responsibility for her feelings?

Exercise 2

What could Phoebe have done differently? (If Phoebe wasn’t is Phoebe) How could she have expressed her feelings and needs instead of pushing her feelings on Ross?

Exercise 3

Let’s rewrite the sentences where the person didn’t take responsibility for their feelings in exercise 1. Let’s connect the feeling to a need: I feel X because my need for X is met/not met.

• When people drive too fast, I get furious!
• The policeman made me nervous!
• You make me happy!
• I feel disappointed, because Linda was late for our date.
• I feel hopeless, because I really wanted to go home on time today, but the workload doesn’t permit it.