Exercises

Feelings are a goldmine of information. But, it’s easier to control people who are not in contact with their feelings. Because to feel, can also mean to question why something is happening, and what authority wants that? Therefore, we’ve been taught to suppress our feelings, and our language is full of ways to rather express opinions than feelings.

As part of nonviolent communication, we learn how to better express our feelings, and how the understanding of other people’s feelings will help us meet our needs.

Let’s become aware of our feelings and all the information they can give us!

Hopefully, you’ve downloaded and started with our feeling flashcards by now. To improve our feelings-vocabulary (what a fuzzy word), will help to put words on the feelings we feel. In the exercises ahead, we’d like to look at:

1. Feelings and thoughts
2. How to overcome the two reasons it’s difficult to express feelings
3. Let’s practice noticing what feelings other people feel.

Exercise 1

Let’s begin with our own feelings. It might be difficult to answer a question like: What do I feel right now? It’s easier to answer: What do I think right now? When I created this exercise, there was a building site across the street. A good way to become aware of our feelings is, to begin with, our thoughts.

Example:

I thought: “It’s crazy that the construction workers across the street can work so high up on that building without any safety equipment.”

After I’ve identified my thoughts, it’s pretty easy to identify my feelings in the situation:

I feel terrified that one of them will fall. I also feel angry, that their boss forces them to work under those conditions.

Try to image yourself, or another person in scenario (a)-(d) below. What do you think the person is feeling then?

a) Coming out of the boss’s office thinking; I just got fired.

b) You sit on a date, and you think: I wonder if he/she likes me?

c) You’re cooking, and the steak gets burnt in the oven. Then you think I never get anything right.

d) You get applauds after a presentation, and you think: Everyone in the room liked my presentation

Exercise 2:

Make a habit of asking yourself the question, What do I feel right now? a few times per day.

Take a short break, what happens to you? Did anything particular happen? (news, someone you met, something you heard, saw, etc.) This is a great way of practicing listening to yourself.

For example:

Right now, I feel exhausted from all the thinking I’m done today. At the same time, I’m proud of this set of exercises.

What do you feel now? If it helps, start with what you’re thinking about right now.

GREAT, now we’ve taken the first steps to a rich vocabulary of feelings. Let’s practice some of the other reasons it’s so difficult to express clear feelings.

Exercise 3

Let’s take a look at the TV series Friends and the scene where Rachel tells Ross about…

What do you think Ross is feeling in this scene? (If you need some help, in the extra material above you’ll find a list of feelings.)

GREAT, now we’ve taken the first steps to a rich vocabulary of feelings. Let’s practice some of the other reasons it’s so difficult to express clear feelings.

Exercise 4

Sometimes the language we use is inconclusive. We think we express a feeling, but the recipient hears an opinion.

For example:
– I feel you should be on time (Here I don’t express a feeling. Instead, I tell you what I think you should do. This could easily be interpreted as me criticizing you.)
– I feel that I’m cleaning our apartment every time. (This is not a feeling either. It’s an opinion about what I do.)

A trick Mark taught us was to ask the question: How does it feel? If I can answer that and nobody else needs to be involved for me to feel it, it’s most likely a feeling I’m expressing.

Which of the following sentences do you think clearly express a feeling?

Which of the following sentences do you think clearly express a feeling?

1. John never cleans his room
2. I feel frustrated because my apartment is messy again.
3. I feel, John should clean his room
4. I feel you should know better.
5. I feel Snoop Dogg is a good rapper!
6. I feel that locking the door is the right thing to do
7. I love Spiderman
8. I am sad

Exercise 5:

The final trap we often fall into is to use words that don’t express a feeling. For instance: I feel rejected, unwanted, or set aside.

Do you remember the trick to discover these “fake feelings”? You ask yourself, does anybody else need to be involved for me to feel this way? Which of the following sentences express a clear feeling, and which are merely an interpretation of what we think other people think or do to us?

1. I feel bullied at work.
2. I feel satisfied with my work this week.
3. I feel diminished when you say that.
4. People always misunderstand me!
5. Nobody likes me.

In NVC, these words are often called evaluation words. Sometimes it’s hard to know what feelings are hiding behind an evaluation word like bullied. We help you; we’ve created a list of feelings and needs that often are connected with these words. You’ll find the full list here

Exercise 6

Let’s check out the scene when Simba and Nala reunite in the Lion King. Try to guess some of the feelings in the scene. What are Timone and Pumba feeling? What are the big lions feeling?

Challenge

Next time, someone asks you how you feel, try to express yourself more clearly than good/bad. Challenge yourself to feel. Instead of answering; I feel good. Try to elaborate and to give the other person more information: For instance: I feel enthusiastic and comfortable with my new role in the team.