Wow, this is one of the best parts of NVC! We all make mistakes, the difference between successful people, and ordinary people is that successful people see mistakes as part of learning. Often they even encourage people to make mistakes.

If you want to learn how to ski, you need to fall A LOT OF TIMES. And watch out, the minute you stop falling, is the time you stop approving. In sports like snowboarding, it’s almost a must to break your wrist in order to become a real snowboarder.

We all make mistakes, let’s create an environment where these mistakes bring something good with them. Let’s maximize the chances we’ll learn, instead of condemning ourselves.

In these exercises, we’ll make your aware of how you talk to yourself when you make a mistake, and our intention is to help you see an alternative approach to condemnation.

A lifetime of practice has taught us to be mean to ourselves when we make mistakes. We need to be punished! How should we otherwise learn?  Let’s find out!

Exercise 1

Let’s reflect on some of the mistakes you’ve done. List as many awful words you can remember telling yourself for the past few weeks. Can you list 10, 30, 100 things you said to yourself? (A tip is to think about mistakes you’ve done or things you regret. Then, try to remember things you said to yourself in that situation. )

Was it anything you said? Anything at work? Did you break anything? Or were you late for an important meeting? What happened?

Let’s do the same exercise that Mark did in the video.

Exercise 2

A) Choose something you did that you’re not pleased with. For instance:

• You forgot something
• You used salt instead of sugar in the coffee

You skipped on cleaning the apartment

B) In the NVC process, the first step is to observe. What did you tell yourself after that happened? Did you judge or criticize yourself? Try to recall and list the words you used below:

Remember, when someone is criticizing, it’s just a poor way to express an unmet need. Instead of criticizing, let’s focusing on the feelings you felt.

C) Try to recall what you felt in that situation. Did you feel sad, angry, disappointed, unhappy, disgusting etc.

Wow, this is so exciting! We might have come this far without NVC before. But with NVC we’re trying to offer an alternative to feel shame, guilt, anger, or depression. In NVC, the intention is to allow us to mourn our mistakes and create an environment that stimulates learning from them instead of feeling ashamed.

Do you know what you just did?

You started to give yourself some empathy by trying to understand what was happening inside you.

D) What need/needs did you try to meet by doing/saying what you did? (What you now regret)
Give yourself a few minutes to think about it. It’s worth the effort! If you need some inspiration, you can check out some needs from the list here

E) What need/needs didn’t get met when you did/said what you did?

F) How does it feel now? Can you empathize with the need you tried to meet? Can you empathize with the need/needs that didn’t get met as a consequence of your actions?

It’s okay to be sad when we fail to achieve something important to us. In fact, mourning helps us create an environment that promotes change. It helps us want to change, not forcing us to change to avoid shame or guilt.

G) Now when you’re aware of both needs, what strategy can you try to meet both needs?

Exercise 3:

Describe a situation where you really could have benefited from some empathy instead of self-criticism. What would that have meant to you?

For example:

Like when I realized I had forgotten to buy breadcrumbs for the meatballs when I was 10m from my apartment after just visiting the store…